Sometimes, Leaving Family Is an Act of Compassion — A Buddhist Perspective on Toxic Parents

The Curse of “Family Comes First”
“Family should always come first.”
This phrase is spoken in Japan, in America, and all over the world.

It sounds kind, even noble.
But for some, these words cut like a blade.

What if your family is the very source of your suffering?
Should you endure abuse simply because “they’re family”?

I Once Ran Away From Home
I grew up under what is now called a toxic parent.
The constant fighting escalated into violence.

I remember thinking:
“If I stay, one of us will die.”

So I ran.
I packed my things in the dead of night and disappeared without saying where I was going.

Even after escaping, guilt consumed me:
“Did I just abandon my own parent?”
“Should I have endured more?”

For years, I carried that heavy stone in my chest.

You Cannot Save Someone by Sinking With Them
Buddhism teaches about karma and interdependent relationships (engi).
Family is an important bond — but when attachment becomes too strong, it causes more suffering.

Imagine someone trapped in quicksand.
If you jump in alone, you’ll sink together.

You need to step back, stand on firm ground, and call for help before reaching out.
Sometimes, keeping distance is the only way to truly help.

Leaving is not “abandoning family.”
It is a compassionate act to protect your own life and mind.

“Leaving Family Is Bad” — A Dangerous Illusion
I used to believe:
“Leaving family makes me a terrible person.”
“Disobeying parents is ungrateful.”

But Buddhism shows another perspective.
We are all ordinary, deluded beings (bonbu).
Toxic parents are also trapped in their own suffering.

Breaking the chain of suffering is not selfish — it is natural, based on dependent origination.
Protecting your own life may create new, better connections in the future.
Sometimes separation is the only way to bring good for everyone in the long run.

In the Great Compassion of Amida Buddha
In Jōdo Shinshū Buddhism, Amida Buddha saves all beings — good or bad — without discrimination.

Those who feel guilty for leaving their family, and those called “toxic parents,” are all embraced equally.

Amida’s great compassion (daihi) allows us to live, even with our flaws.
“To survive first” is not running away.
It is an act aligned with Amida’s wish for us to live.

If you can breathe freely again, you might someday help someone else escape their suffering.

To You, Who Are Struggling With Family
“Sometimes, the bravest thing you can do for family is to leave.”

If you are trapped in suffering, I offer these words to you.
Please, do not blame yourself too much.

Every step you take to save yourself might someday save someone else.

Quote from Rennyo Shōnin (Jōdo Shinshū):
“Those who abandon all other practices and entrust themselves single-mindedly to Amida will be assured of birth in the Pure Land by the inconceivable power of his vow.
Reciting the nembutsu afterward should be understood as an expression of gratitude for this assurance.”
(Gobunshō, Shōnin Ichiryū-shō)