Bonpu Diary: Regrets Around Food, Big and Small

It’s something I deal with every day—so why is it still so hard?
The cabbage in the fridge. The snacks. My blood sugar.
As a bonpu¹—a foolish, ordinary being—I’m once again wrestling with food today.

From the back of the fridge, I unearthed a liquefied cabbage.
It’s summer, so it happens. But still, I feel sorry for having wasted a life. I owe an apology to the farmers.

And yet, I find myself wandering into a convenience store again, buying something to snack on.
My wallet gets thinner, my body gets heavier… Why?
Even when the doctor says, “Please cut back,” I can’t seem to do it.
The temptation of sweets wins over medicine.
Because of the sweets, I need more medicine… Amida Buddha² must be chuckling.

Back when I worked as a monk—
I’d be offered sweets at the homes I visited.
My heart felt grateful, but my body quietly cried out in blood sugar distress.
Normally, you’d pass them on to the children. But I, stressed and busy, ended up eating almost all of them myself.
Call it karmic retribution, perhaps. That indulgence, that “keeping it all to myself,” has clearly led to my diabetes now.

Once, someone asked me at a temple visit, “Why doesn’t the temple do food drives?”
I couldn’t answer.
Feeding the belly and feeding the heart—both are precious, but doing both is no easy task.
I finish every last bite of the offered manju, yet let the cabbage rot in the fridge… With contradictions like that, I’m hardly in a position to talk big.

When I reflect on food and the past, all I find is regret.
But maybe it’s only by facing that foolishness head-on that anything can begin.
I pray my condition doesn’t worsen.
I’m trying, in my own way, to exercise and be mindful… But Amida-sama, I feel so small.
Please watch over me, even like this.
Namu Amida Butsu³…

---

📎 Footnotes

¹ Bonpu (凡夫): In Japanese Pure Land Buddhism, bonpu refers to an ordinary, foolish being—someone prone to weakness, contradiction, and delusion. It’s not a harsh insult, but a humble recognition of human frailty. To call oneself a bonpu is to admit: “I cannot save myself by my own strength.” This diary embraces that identity with honesty and humor.

² Amida Buddha (阿弥陀仏): The central figure of Pure Land Buddhism, known for infinite compassion and the vow to save all beings who call upon him. Salvation doesn’t depend on moral perfection or spiritual achievement, but on entrusting oneself to Amida’s vow.

³ Namu Amida Butsu (南無阿弥陀仏): A chant meaning “I entrust myself to Amida Buddha.” It’s both a prayer and a gesture of surrender, often spoken in moments of reflection, gratitude, or longing.

日本語版note：
凡夫日記：食べ物にまつわる後悔あれこれ